A new first..

Today was a new first. I usually celebrate the firsts. The first smile, the first laugh, the first time sitting up, rolling over, standing up, walking, running, the first "I love you"... but today was a different first. Today, for the first time, Jack said, "I hate you Mommy." In that 1.3 seconds my heart broke. I know that's a lot to put on a 3 year old - the ability to break a grown woman's heart - but he did break my heart. I walked out of his room, fulfilling his request to be alone, going into my own room and crumbling into a pile of sadness, laying on the bed bawling like a 16 year old who just learned that her crush likes someone else. After a few moments, however, I realized that he, too, was hurting. Maybe not hurting in the same way, but hurting in such a way that he felt he had to use a word he didn't really know, didn't know the weight or full meaning of, but knew it was bad and wanted to use it to hurt me. So up I pulled myself from the bed, pulled myself to my feet, stood up like a big girl, and walked into his room. I collected him in my arms, kicking and screaming, angry with me, laid him on the bed, and I sang. And he protested. And I sang. And he protested. And I told him I love him more than he'll ever know. And eventually he acquiesced. And he told me he loved me. And I was still hurt, but I realize this is not the last time he will say those words, and it was not the last time I would be hurt by this little man. And it will all be ok.